Ignorance is Bliss
by CrypticButterfly
Summary: Raven stumbles upon the private journals of her brother and discovers more about the man than she ever wished to know. Especially involving one Erik Lensherr. Cherik.


**Ignorance is Bliss**

**Summary: **Raven stumbles upon the private journals of her brother, and learns more about the man in ways she could never have imagined.

**Warnings:** Pre-slash goodness, mentions of alcoholism. The norm. Cherik (obviously).

**A/N:** Hello all. Time seems to have gotten away from me as this is the very first story I have written for this site in years. Wow. Not to say I haven't been writing, because I have really, just more on my own creations and less fanfiction. Surprisingly enough, this is the very first completed work I have ever done. No cliffhangers or overhanging plots.

Weird.

Regardless, I have become utterly obsessed with this couple and the universe they come from. I just HAD to write something about them. And what do I choose? A diary story. Pfft. Well I hope you all enjoy it. :) Thanks!

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Raven huffed as she stalked through the halls of the manor, heading to an unused wing to help cool off away from the annoying boys that plagued the place. Once again, one of them had inadvertently insulted her mutation. Not beautiful, they said. Needed to be hidden, they said. Bastards, all of them. How they could possibly say such hurtful things and not realize how it hurt was beyond her. She tried to put it down as obtuse men and ignore it, but every so often the words would strike the right cord in her.

She entered a rather dusty study and flopped onto the sofa, curling up into herself. They were in this together, shouldn't they stick up for one another? Not even compassionate, helpful Charles could see what the comments were doing to her, and that hurt probably the most. They had grown up together, used to share their feelings with one another so openly. When had that all stopped? Now Raven felt almost neglected by the one person in this world she called family.

The only one who never showed such disdain for her true form was Erik. Erik, the mysterious brash German who had been, literally, washed into their lives so suddenly. She couldn't help but smile at the memory of the day he had called her beautiful. No one ever called her beautiful and meant it like that before. The warm buzz the word gave her made her sigh softly and unwrap her arms from her legs just a little.

If she could ever see herself caring for anyone as much as she cared for Charles, it would be Erik.

The thought had once crossed her mind if the two of them could ever be something more, her and Erik. Sure, Erik carried with him some serious baggage from the war, but Raven could look past that. She could see herself falling for him, for those cheeky grins and dagger-like eyes. For his ability to look beyond skin-deep.

Her anger having now faded to just a bitter taste, she made to stand up and rejoin the group for dinner, when something across the room caught her eye. A stack of old, leather bound books, lying just a hair's breath from a rather empty bookcase. Charles has been through this wing when they first arrived, checking in on his childhood home, displeased at the way the maid's he left behind had done their jobs, dust and cobwebs in quite a number of the rooms.

Yet Charles would never leave books like that just laying on the ground, that is, unless he'd been going though them recently. The man had a bad habit of dropping whatever he'd been reading when something else called his attention away, going back much later to recollect them. Curiously, Raven crossed the hardwood floors to get a better look.

Sitting cross legged, she lifted the first one and read the cover. In thick, bold letters read 'Vol. 1'. She flipped it open to find a series of entries crossing through the years. A journal, she realized. All of them were, three leather-bound journals. Grinning, she flipped back to the first page, now certain she knew who these belonged to.

_November 5__th__, 1944_

_ Raven decided she quite enjoys playing tricks on the maids. I found her pretending to be mother ordering them to fetch 'Raven' new clothes from the stores. I told her that was slightly mean, and in usual Raven fashion she 'apologized' by ordering them to fetch me something as well. So here I am, scribbling what ever comes to me in this little book. Silly thing, journals, but I suppose I shall use it. If only to catalog the new events occurring in my life._

Typical Charles. Even as a child he write like an old man. For a brief minute she felt guilty peeking into the man she considered her brother's private thoughts, only shaking it off when she figured Charles was a telepath and dipped into people's private thoughts all the time. If he found out she'd simply claim to be giving him a taste of his own medicine.

Besides, what could she read that she didn't know about him already?

_January 12__th__, 1945_

_ I almost forgot about this book, honestly. Raven asked me if I'd found any use for it, and I lied by claiming I write in it ritualistically. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. I can't quite see myself using this that often. When I find myself with spare time, I usually spend it reading or experimenting with my, ah, special talent. _

_ Actually, about my special talent. I may have discovered a new use for it. Mother was in the kitchen, drinking. I hate seeing her act like this, I truly do, so I ah, convinced her to put the bottle down and go to bed. And she did. Was it wrong of me to do that? Playing with people's free will?_

_ I'll put that thought away for another time. Right now I'm starving and I think the maid's have made a roast for dinner. _

Raven chuckled sadly, remembering all too well the way Charles' mother used to down wine bottles like water. It was never a pleasant thing to experience, especially for two young children still terrified of people learning of their true abilities. She breezed through the rest of the book, not really feeling up to reliving her childhood through Charles' eyes. Too many unpleasant memories.

She sat the first volume down and picked up the second. Apparently Charles lied about not wishing to write in them, seeing as how the entries in this one were much closer together. A habit then. Somewhere he must have come to enjoy writing in it, and that pleased Raven. Giving the telepath a release for his emotions was certainly a good thing. God knows the man tucks all the negative away unhealthily.

The second volume followed him through school, up to where he graduated and applied for college. Raven had been so proud when he'd been accepted to Oxford, for his brilliant intellect and not his family's wealth. He talked more and more about mutations in it, slowly becoming convinced they were a new species of human, that something in their genes made them special. How there must be more of them out there, just waiting to be found.

By the end of it, Raven had tucked herself against the bookcase, quite comfortable in the dim lighting, completely enthralled with her brother's thoughts. Little things leapt out from the pages at her, certain events she didn't know about, how Charles truly felt about the world. He often expressed a need for something more in his life. At first Raven thought nothing of it, but as the pages grew longer she began to realize how depressed Charles was becoming.

_August 14__th__, 1957_

_ I can't understand any of this anymore. Mutations. Genes. How can two completely normal people have a child with such extraordinary abilities? Have, I hate to say the word, mutants been around for much longer than I previously imagined? And if so, am I really making a difference bringing this all to light?_

_ A few of the guys from class wanted to go out tonight, but I just couldn't with this realization surging through my mind. What's the point? They're normal. They'll live normal lives. I'll never truly have that luxury. Sure, I can pretend, but I'll never really fit in. With a mind like mine? I'm almost not even human._

_ Then what does that make me? _

_August 20__th__, 1957_

_ I froze an entire crowd of people today, just because I could. None of them noticed. My hold on their minds only lasted for a few seconds, and then they were on their way again. Back to their lives. They'll never know someone toyed with their minds so effortlessly. I could convince them to do a anything for me, and they'd never know. _

_ Am I becoming a monster?_

_ I wish I had someone I could discuss this with. Raven is always there for me, yes, but she's so defensive about her mutation I always fear offending her in some way. I want someone...new. Someone who would understand what its like. All of my acquaintances from the university are lovely people, but as I've stated before they're _ONLY_ people. Even if I expressed my abilities to them, they'd never truly understand. _

_ November 1__st__, 1957_

_ I went out drinking last night. Drowning out the thoughts in my head with a good strong scotch seemed to do the trick. I would have stayed home by myself, but as it was All Hallow's Eve quite a number of the guys dragged me to a pub to 'enjoy a social life'. Getting drunk off my rocker just seemed like a practical choice._

_ I woke up next to girl I don't know. She had brown hair, auburn and soft, and didn't say a word as she slipped on her clothes and left. She was pretty. Quite pretty. I almost wished I knew her name. What would that be like, I wonder? To find a girl like that. Have a relationship. I've never seemed to think much of the companionship of women before, but now I can't get the thought out of my mind._

_ She's have to have a sense of humour, of course. Anyone willing to go out with the charming Charles F. Xavier would have to be. I have been know to have quite the wit when I feel like it. Yes. She'd certainly need that. What else?_

_ Ah. Smart, of course. I need someone at least passingly decent at chess to play against. To explain my theories with in an intelligent manner. Bubbly bombshells are certainly out. I can only take so much physical beauty before I get bored. I need someone who can keep me on my toes._

_ I suppose the biggest issue would be the reaction to my powers. I'd hate to frighten her away. I once more have the desire to meet another of my kind. To spend long hours discussing our unique mutations. Ah! Quite the dream. Alas, it seems like that possibility slips farther and farther away each day. Surely if there were more I'd have met them by now?_

_ Well I just put myself right back into a miserable mood. I wonder if I have any of that scotch left over?_

"Oh Charles," Raven sighed, setting the book against her knee thoughtfully. He'd been just as unsure about himself as she had been, all those years ago. Never let a drip of it show though, of course. Charles prided himself on being able to stay relaxed and composed under any situation. Raven wished he would have told her about his insecurities. Certainly she could have tried to help.

She glanced at the third and final book and gingerly picked it up, replacing the second volume with it, not wishing to read anymore from it. She was hopeful something in this one would express a more cheerful, motivated Charles. Certainly he couldn't have been that lonesome all through school. Flipping it open, she was a bit stunned to find these entries more recent.

_February 14__th__, 1961_

_ Went on a date with a charming little specimen the other night. Blonde hair and luscious red lips. She was certainly beautiful, and the things she could do with her tongue! I could write about it for several pages if I wished. I don't believe I'll get her out of my head for quite some time._

_ I should have spent the night working on my thesis. Can't say I don't feel a bit guilty about it, but for once I'm glad I did the rebellious thing. I've spent far too much time mixed up in my research. I deserve to have a bit of fun now and then. _

_ And certainly it was fun. _

_ Still, I don't think I'll be calling her back any time soon. While deliciously fun in bed she was, she was still lacking in the fundamental traits of a perfect girl. I don't believe I'll ever find one, but I have come to accept that. I'll have my fun, without all the commitments a relationship brings._

Raven crinkled her nose. Leave it to Charles' sexual awakening to bring out his happier side. She really didn't want to think of her charming brother in that way. Ever. Reading on, she found Charles regularly found woman to occupy his time with. Each time they failed to fill that hole he seemed to be lacking in his life. Raven could sympathize with him. She hadn't found 'the one' yet either. At least they seemed to drag him out of his moody, self-hating phase. These entries were much more like the Charles she knew.

_December 25__th__, 1961_

_ I believe I may have found another. Another mutant. I only caught a flash of it, but as I was coming home from the pub after a late night with the guys, I swear I saw a girl slip into a tree. An actual tree! Phased right into it like a dryad of legend._

_ Unfortunately I was unable to grasp her mind to find the truth. I'll keep an eye out for her though. Perhaps I've finally found what I've been searching for? One can wish._

Raven frowned, knowing Charles never did find the girl. He spent months camping out near the spot with no success. The failure never deterred him though, only breathing more life into his determination to find more of them.

Curiously, she noticed the date. The next few pages would be earlier this year. How could that be if the two of them hadn't come back here for quite a long time? Maybe the true reason Charles came to scout this room out was to drop off his latest journal. It seemed likely, really, what with the books resting on the floor in such a way. He had probably only just been going through them once more.

Should she read entries so close to the current time though? Well, she'd come this far. Why stop now? Besides, she couldn't say she wasn't intrigued about his thoughts on their current situation. What he really thought of their fellow mutant kin. She skimmed until she found the date they were first contacted by Moira MacTaggert.

_September 18__th__, 1962_

_ Incredible! I was right all along! Today the most extraordinary thing happened, something I'm in far too much of a hurry to explain properly. Just know that as of now, my life has been changed forever, and I could not be more excited about it._

_ September 22__nd__,1962_

_ Things are taking place now that I could never have imagined. I'm currently helping the CIA hunt down a group of dangerous mutants. That's right! A group of actual mutants, just like me. Except, this lot seems to be using their powers for very different reasons than I would ever think to use mine for. It's almost scary to think about really._

_ September 23rd, 1962_

_ I met the most remarkable man. His name is Erik Lensherr, and he's a mutant. His power? Control over metal. I've never met anyone quite as incredible as him before in my life. I glanced into his memory system when I rescued him from a very watery grave, and though the things I saw there will haunt me for the rest of my life, they did show me how brave and brilliant this man has been. The things he's seen, been through, I can't describe them here. Honestly, I never truly wish too._

_ The CIA brought us, and Raven, to an undisclosed location, and Erik and I spent a good bit of the night talking. We talked about all sorts of things, from our mutations to political situations to just life. I don't believe I've ever been able to talk this freely with another human being in my life._

_ I'm terrified he may leave us altogether. _

_ September 24__th__, 1962_

_ Erik stayed. _

_ Today we're going to begin our hunt for other mutants using a machine dubbed Cerebro, built by an ingenious young man named Hank McCoy. I'm truly excited by all the possibilities this presents. Excited to experience them beside Erik. Can one become attached to a fellow person as quickly as I have to him? I suppose its only natural, what with my little peek into his mind, our common tie as fellow mutants. _

_ I really hope we can become good friends._

_ September 25__st__, 1962_

_ I found them. There are far more than I have ever imagined! Hundred of them, maybe thousands. I saw there minds in my own like bright beacons. Erik and I are preparing to go find the first, a girl named Angel. I can not wait to see just what she can do._

_ Erik showed me more of his abilities while we prepared. His control over metal is stunning. He can sense every piece of it in a room and manipulate it as he wishes. I'm in awe. I knew he was remarkable, ever since I saw him try to lift a submarine from below the depths. The true depth of his own power is almost mind blowing. The things he may be able to do!_

_ I challenged him to a friendly game of chess as well. Surprisingly, he didn't turn down my offer. Raven no longer wishes to play against me, accusing me of cheating by using my powers, though I would never dare. Erik seems to trust that I will stay out of his mind, and its such a profound expression of how much we've bonded over these short few days it almost makes me want to cry. I never thought I'd meet anyone like this. _

The book fell against Raven's knee again as she studied those words. Erik and Charles did seem to hit it off quite quickly, fast becoming friends. She hadn't been too surprised, but this, the way he described it...It unsettled her. Taking a deep breath, she continued reading, not sure she was going to like what she found.

_September 28th, 1962_

_ We were quick to find Angel, and another who calls himself Darwin. Strangely enough, while I find myself more than excited about discovering the true possibilities of their mutations, I've found myself too distracted to focus properly on them._

_ Erik has been a whirlwind blown right through my mind. He's annoyingly judgmental, reasonably defensive, and utterly brash. When he smiles I'm reminded of a shark looking at its prey. Some of his opinions are completely and utterly cruel. Yet, the more he talks about the cruelty of humans and the rise of mutants, the more I wish to be by his side. I wish to help him overcome these deep rooted thoughts. I wish to show him a peaceful world, without war and the constant torment he puts himself through._

_ I haven't even known this man a week, and yet..._

_ Could it be possible that I'm starting to fall for him?_

Thump.

Raven stared at the tan volume as if it had bit her. Charles was falling in love with Erik? Her smooth talking, woman obsessed nerd of a brother? No. No it couldn't be. It had to be a phase, a reaction to meeting someone so much like him for the first time. Certainly if she read on Charles would come to his senses.

Right?

_ September 30th, 1962_

_ We've found four other mutants now. An intelligent, if not slightly unpredictable bunch. I don't believe we'll have time to find anymore currently. Things are coming to a head with the Soviets. I'm leaving shortly with Erik to Russia. We may have just found Shaw._

_ All these days with Erik almost give me a headache. His views on humans I do believe may never change. Why then am I working so fiercely to change them? Because of the way he smiles when he gets a mischievous thought? The way he focus so completely on one of our many chess games? The way when we're alone he calls me by name in such a teasing manner?_

_ No. Its not just a possibility. I do believe I certainly am falling in love with a man, of all people. A completely and utterly brilliant man. _

Raven threw the book as hard as she could across the room before pulling herself into a ball as she was want to do in times of great emotion. So it was true. It was almost a month after that entry now and Charles had to be completely enthralled with the brooding German. Why did her brother have to take everything good in her life and corrupt it like this? Even if Erik never felt the same way about him, Raven would never try to begin a relationship with him now.

She could never hurt Charles by taking the biggest spark his life had ever known away.

With a sigh, she stood and left the room, determined to try and let things be. Her only hope was that Charles didn't get his heart broken. She couldn't bare to help pick those pieces up for him.

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**Thanks for reading! :) **


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